Fish Crimes
by cgaussie01
Summary: During their take over of the city, Megamind and Minion happen upon a store that sends chills through Minion's little fishy body.


The crime spree through the city was everything Mega Mind dreamed of. Streets he could once not walk without people near by alerting the authorities or Metro Man was now his to walk any way he wanted! Proudly he and Minion ran through the streets when not driving in the Invisible Car and you can bet when they were driving they weren't obeying the speed limits! Speed limits were for people who weren't evil overlords or their faithful fish companions. And seeing how there was only two beings on the entire planet like that, it was a free run for both of them.

Walking down a mall strip the two were laughing gleefully as Minion made his way spraying blue spray paint on all the buildings he crossed. Mega Mind was busying himself with kicking trash cans over just because he could, since he could remember a time when he was stuffed mercilessly into the stupid metal tin cans. He had stunk of garbage for a week and no matter how hard he scrubbed with his faithful soap on a rope, it just wouldn't leave him.

The evil, though still thoroughly happy, laughter lessened when Minion suddenly stopped laughing. The fish let out a painful shout of alarm which caused Mega Mind to spin on the spot, his De-Stroy gun already at the ready. Was somebody being foolish enough to challenge Minion? Had another hero conveniently arrived to thwart them? He wasn't going to put up with any of these options!

"Minion?" he asked but when he saw his fishy friend just standing there, can of spray at his feet, without anyone confronting him he repositioned the gun in its holster on his leg. "Minion, what is it? Did somebody spray graffiti depicting me in an insulting position?"

"It's..." Minion started before shuddering and turned his fish head around so he was looking at his boss, his gorilla body still facing in the other direction. "It's just HORRIBLE, sir!"

"Horrible? More horrible then us? WHO DARES?" Mega Mind demanded as he hurried over to the other, pulling his weapon again and aiming it in as many directions as possible in the quickest amount of time. Minion tried to explain but he was far too rattled to. Instead he pointed with a metallic finger. Mega Mind paused, and eyed the store front that Minion was pointing at. He aimed his gun at the sign as he read it.

"Soo shee." he said, before looking confused beyond belief. He looked to Minion, raising an eyebrow curiously as he did. "What is this soo shee and how is it being more evil then us?"

"It-it..." Minion stuttered before daring to take a step forward and pointed to the imagery on display in the window. "It's raw fish, sir."

"RAW FISH?" Mega Mind echoed, hurrying forward to look at the pictures he had failed to spot before. It showed what looked like edible batteries, rice, green stuff, and bits of pink stuff. Looking to the menu on display he quickly scanned the list of what was available, and he was alarmed at what he saw. Salmon? Prawns? Crab? Tuna? All kinds of fish, all of them served raw on a bed of rice or dipped in sauce.

A memory flashed in his mind. It was back when he was just a child sitting in the school yard with Minion who as, as usual, perched on his lap inside his ball. It was lunch time, and while the other kids enjoyed tasty sandwiches of peanut butter and jelly (with the crusts cut off) he had prison food in a bag. What was meant to be pasta was mixed with potato salad and green beans. He remembered being teased because of it. Then, one day, one of the other children was eating something he had never seen before.

It was fish fingers. Curious, he had asked just what they were. Did fish have fingers? Why didn't Minion have fingers? What were they made of? Minion, horrified by what he heard once Mega Mind was told what it was made of, had swam around in quick tiny circles inside his dome in a panic trying to find somewhere to hide. This got a laugh from the children, always amused by the fact the blue kid brought his pet fish to school every day. The child with the fish fingers dared to even joke about what kind of fish fingers Minion would make. Mega Mind, horrified that people on this planet ATE fish, had grabbed the fish fingers and thrown them over the fence and in a flash of anger had shoved the insulting child over.

Naturally he was put in the time out corner by Metro Boy as a result of stealing another child's lunch and starting a fight. Minion had continued to swim in frenzied circles for hours after that, only calming down when it came time for bed that night. Seeing how distressed this discovery had made his only friend, Mega Mind decided upon something. Something truly life changing for such a young boy.

From then on the young genius had avoided eating fish entirely. No fish cakes, fish fingers, grilled whiting, calamari rings, fish and chips; anything that came in contact with fish at all simply didn't make its way onto his plate (or tray, when in prison). While other meat was indeed eaten (red meat was important for the healthy development of a brain after all) the meat that belonged to fish was just a no no.

"Hawkin's Chair... They eat RAW fish? That's even more disgusting then eating cooked fish!" his adult voice drew him back to the present with alarming speed. This was one of the most diabolical things he had ever heard or thought of, and he had thought of some pretty diabolical things in his life! "Come Minion!" he demanded and attempted to kick the door open. Unfortunately the door was a 'pull' door, so he didn't get anywhere after the first few kicks (and hurting his foot a little bit) before he realized his error and pulled it open. "Hope nobody else saw that..."

Inside was the counter shaped like an oval, and on it a tiny moving platform had plates of dishes on display. Minion flinched inside his bowl at the sight of it, the octopus, the tuna, the salmon... each meal more horrifying then the last. Mega Mind observed the rotating platform with disgust, before hearing something out back. Were there people in there? People were foolish enough to eat soo shee in his presence? Driven by anger and disgust the blue alien went around the back, this time properly kicking the door open.

Cowering in the back was a group of people. Two of them were obviously people who worked there since they were wearing white. The rest were patrons who must have realized too late that he and Minion had chosen this day to visit the strip mall. But what horrified Mega Mind was that there were large tanks in the back. Swimming away inside of them were fish. Fresh fish. Fish still alive, and their large, lidless eyes spilled tales of horror from seeing their brothers and sisters lives ended on chopping blocks.

"You DARE?" he yelled advancing on the group, "You DARE to cage these fish for your own disgusting needs? You're horrible! Absolutely HORRIBLE. How DARE you! And- ugh! I just don't know how to put my words into place with how disgusting this place is! It's really that bad. You all shall pay. ALL of you!"

Any begging fell on deaf ears, for soon there was nothing but silence coming from the back room.

Not too much later, Mega Mind and Minion found themselves in the cemetery. Both were stood over a freshly dug grave though it was certainly not as deep as one would think. But at the bottom of the small pit was food. Sushi rolls, salmon, tuna, octopus, crab, all forms of fish food too late to save were at the bottom.

"Dearly gathered," Mega Mind began solemnly, "We are here to bid farewell to our aquatic companions. Despite the cruel nature of the ending of their lives, may they seek eternal glory for I have bestowed upon them a proper funeral fit for a king fish."

Minion dabbed at his fish dome with a tissue, sniffling pathetically.

"Rest in pieces, little fish."

Once the grave was covered, Mega Mind and Minion made their way to the sea. Minion, carrying tanks of fish, crabs, prawns, and the like, approached the end of a dock with Mega Mind. They stood in collective silence for a while before they began tipping the creatures back into the water. Neither stayed for long, as soon as the salty water of the ocean met them they swam away quickly, swimming to freedom in the large blue ocean.

Once every tank was empty, the two friends stood on the dock together. It was already late, the sun setting in the distance, turning the sky into a nice red as the blue darkness of night began to envelope the sky.

"Ya know Boss, for an Evil Overlord you can be a really nice guy when you wanna be." Minion said finally, looking down at the blue alien.

"Tell anyone else that and you'll regret it Minion." Mega Mind replied quickly, before adding with a small smile. "But thanks. Now come! We have a city to terrorize!" he announced, pointing sky wards with a dramatic flourish. "And some punishments to set out!"

"You got it boss!"

And what became of those in each and every sushi restaurant these two came across? Instant dehydration. Once all these cubes were gathered the two found the highest bridge in the city, and promptly threw them over the side. Both watched gleefully as people who had been cowering like scared chickens found themselves in water, and cackled with mirthless glee at their poor situation.

"_THAT'LL_ teach you to eat fish!" Minion called down, almost drowned out by Mega Mind's hysterical laughter.

Oh God how they loved being bad.


End file.
